Of course for most of my life, I've grown up awkwardly as a girl. I had really no friends that helped me "feminize". Not even my mum because she was scared that I would whore myself out. That meant no make up or miniskirts. Until I was 17, I was able to wear miniskirts. I experimented with makeup of different colors, painted my nails many ways, dressed myself with ridiculous clothes and I had to learn all of it myself. I regret that I never asked for help early on but I thought that I could manage. Yeah, happened not to be the case. I was fairly a... plain girl who tried too hard.
Growing as a boy is about the same experience with me. I'm having a hard time trying to express myself, dress myself, fit a stereotype with the way men are men. Not in a very perverted, "I have no emotions" way. The fact that I want to provide for my partner, open doors, be the first to talk... Basically, a gentlemanly personality. Before, I was a polite "goth" kid but I wanted to build a reputation or some respect.
It's hard for me to make that transition with these social norms that I'm trying to expose myself to. It's going to be hard regardless because this is unexplored "land" to me.
I'm still practicing with the way I dress. Buying new clothes, getting hand-me-downs and taking pictures of the way I dress to determine what looks good on me and what I like. Just earlier this week I got myself a pair of boy pants. It's amazing! I don't know why I hadn't done this earlier! I like the fact that I can actually move and I that I have pockets! And that I have space in the inside to fix my boxers. I hated girl pants because it didn't have any room to even breathe. But then again, designers fit a stereotype with females. They don't wear anything underneath besides clingy clothes so.. why should they have room? I'm not complaining about girl pants; just making an observation.
Earlier this month, I did get a binder for Christmas from my partner. Honestly, it's a hassle because it's a compression tank top that I fold to overlap but I love it because it's a binder and it's comfortable! I have never in my life been so happy about a flat chest. It's been a confidence booster for me. My parents hadn't thought of anything of it because it looks somewhat like a sports bra and I don't leave it around the house or anything. I don't think they would really notice anything different. I have been wearing baggy looking clothes in order to compensate but it hasn't necessarily been an issue to me. I'm starting to be a little more proud of myself for forcing myself in stores and looking at clothes. Trying them on by myself and determining if that's something that will help "deform" my figure. I get weird looks but it's nothing that would really make me self-conscious. I see it as if they don't come up to me about it, I won't come to them about it. Example: Them-"Those pants are for boys" me-"I know. That's why I'm getting it." or Them-"That jacket doesn't look nice on you" me-"Thanks for letting me know, I didn't think that plaid looked good on me. I always liked argyle" or Them-"That purple tie doesn't suit you." me-"I wish it did, I know I look better in red." I'm trying to get to that point where I really don't want people to get to me emotionally. Because that's something that they want. I know that people have a hard time accepting others because of something they don't understand. I suppose it'd always be a thing passed through every generation but it's nothing that should really affect me. People will always have opinions on things that they don't understand and so do I. It's something that will probably help me transition in a mental state too.
I've thought about where I want to go with this. I'm not sure if I really should start hormones just yet. I want to be able to get it when I have my own insurance and when I can actually afford doctor visits and the medications itself. I was diagnosed with PCOS so, I want to be able to get the reassurance I need. Like mammograms and (ashamed to say) pap smears. I want to make sure that I'm healthy and the hormones won't kill me in a matter of years seeing that my diagnosis can become fatal. I wouldn't want to ever have it affect the person I love with all my life. I know she would want the best for me and that's something that I would make the extra effort on. Making sure I'm healthy. That's the main reason why I stopped smoking. I needed to quit making bad habits. I know it would do me good in the long run.
Growing up has a majority of choices that affect the rest of our lives. Some of them we make without thinking. Some of them are well thought out or further planned ahead. I just hope that the decisions I make while growing up are ones that I can live with.
I Have always felt the same on trying to fit in a "norm" but I knew being a Plus sized kid since I was 10 I never really could express myself. I was always scared to, so in the mean time I tried to fit in with just being myself and wearing whatever I wanted and what felt comfortable and during the course of that time I had good friends that liked me for who I was, and not for who I really wanted to be and never realized that until later when I fully accepted who I was I still don't really full accept myself but have accepted that.. If that makes since? But I know growing up I didn't really have anyone to help me really fully blossom into a Female, in all Honesty I feel there shouldn't be Genders, it really shouldn't matter who wears the "pants" or who can birth a child, it should be our decision as a human, and hopefully one day we will be able to fully and Truly express ourselves but in the mean time we try so hard in a society that acts as if its the persons fault forever thinking in a whole new ray of colors instead of the Black and White norm. everybody just really needs to wake up, so everyone else can express themselves freely, and some say they do but even they have their own problems, Nobody is ever perfect, so I don't know why some many people try so hard to achieve it, and along that way we end up just giving up and trying to follow the norm of modern people. I know as myself I have questioned my sexuality I still don't even know because I to try to make my own branch, but still feel like all eyes are on me if I wear just leggings, because I feel like it. Just simple stuff like that some people who are sticks and "know" who they are, take advantage and try and bring down those who are the ones still trying to figure themselves out. I know that because I have never ever started my Period(and this is personal but trying to make a point and have also been tested for PCOS but all my hormones were "Normal".) have thought maybe this was a way someone out there was trying to tell me maybe I'm not the gender I really am on the outside, But because of society I am scared to explore those thoughts of mine. All in all I could go on forever but for the sake of the readers I wont write my own essay on here Lol! But hope My Own, and Personal thoughts have given you hope, that you Are Not Alone :)
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. I don't think I've really had an issue expressing the way I am. I just have a hard time trying to define who I am with one noun like "transsexual" or "pansexual" because I can go on about it and that's something that I'm trying to discover too. I knew I wasn't the only one alone in this because well, everyone has issues they're scared to address because of some other things. I don't think it really matters who raises a child or gives birth as long as they're making their life worth meaning and full of love and all... (sorry, I'm a bit tired so I'm trying to make sense but at the same time I'm not haha..)
DeleteBut for the most part you are right. Society see a couple and they want to put a label. I don't have a problem with that but you know, I mean it's just something that if it were spoken, it would be extremely offensive. I've come to look at people and think "they're bi." or "okay, he's trans". If I were to be working with them, the most I would ask is "What pronoun would you prefer me to use?" instead of "what sexuality are you?" or "are you trans?" because that is rude. I've grown to learn that along the way. We all learn through our mistakes and that's where we experience most of our life lessons.
Completely and Fully Agree
ReplyDelete