Holiday Stress

     Lately, the holidays did not bring joy or snow, instead it brought more stress into my life than it actually should have. We didn't do actual holiday shopping due to the shootings in the mall. Everyone, of course, was concerned about public safety, even so now. I'd imagine that someday we'll come to terms about gun violence and become passive about owning guns. That's just what I sense. 
     Anyways, so I went to a sporting goods store just to look for a compression tank with my mum a few days prior to the holidays. I didn't want to tell her anything other than "I just wear it" because I don't feel ready telling her that I'm trans. I don't think I'll be ready, as I've said numerous times before. We went in and started looking around. Of course, I head to the men's section while my mum goes to the women's. She later tracked me down and confronted me about it."Why are you looking in the men's section?" "You're a girl, you're supposed to shop in the girl's section" "God gave you a vagina not a penis". I had already picked out a compression top in the men's section and when she said those piercing words.. I just shut down. As she continued with searching, I put away the top and walked out the door. I was going to cry but I didn't want to do it in public. I had to hold it in. My mum followed behind me as she interrogated me for my reaction. I just responded with "They don't have it. Let's go some other time." She never knew how much she hurt me. I'm sure she didn't mean it but that hurt more than anything I've experienced in the recent months. I can't hold it against her because she doesn't know. 
     That's another pressing issue that bugs me the most. How parents raise their children. Everyone has a different method and they learned through their parents and all. If there's anything I've been taught was to respect and be considerate even if they have different beliefs. Although some people don't practice what they preach, I believe that's something I live by. I would like my kids to grow to be open minded, do what they think is right and do their very best to be respectable people. I don't care who they define as, where they shop(men's or women's sections) or who they love unless if they're happy. I will try to guide them but that's something every parent does. Every parent should try to understand their child even if it's something incredibly ridiculous. Put their differences aside and just talk. I wish I could do that with my family without them having to tell me to shut up or to interrupt. Sometimes I just feel like I was more of a want than a need when my parents were thinking about starting a family. I know people say things when they're mad but it's just sad that I can't stand up for myself because living in my parents' house is just a luxury. And they hold it against me like it's a life or death situation, and to me, it is. I can't tell them about my situation because they wouldn't understand or even level with me. I've known from occurrences where I wanted to do something and they always told me the defects of it. That's why I never had sleep overs. Why I really couldn't go to other people's houses, connect to people or make friends for that matter. I do wish I had a better childhood. Wish I could have defined as a boy back then and had my family be okay with that. I somewhat live with regret because I never understood "how" or "what" but only knew "why" (if that makes any sense). 
     Sometimes I just wish I were understood. My dad makes me watch this program called "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". Lame documentary, to be honest. But it's just self assessed habits that we need to enforce in order to become responsible and respectable human beings willing to "be nice" to others. If I do remember, there was one habit that has stuck with me in the back of me head and it was "First seek to understand, then to be understood". Which meant that I had to do my best to understand where my parents are coming from before they can understand me. I hate this guy with a passion and I feel just saying that so many times, I had some part of killing him via natural death. I know I didn't but who knows? I just hated that I had to go out of my way to enforce a habit that I wasn't actually going to use. I'm not happy with that mean of communication but whatever. I'll do what I can.
     But there's something to look forward to. My partner and I decided that we have a little vacation of our own. Get away from people and all. Have time for ourselves for a few days but that's way in the future. Right now, I'm subtly trying to tell my mum that I need to gain some independence of my own so I know what to do when that time when I move out comes along. I know how to cook and clean for myself but when it comes to my living quarters, I just put things where I need to put them for future reference. Some may call me messy but I do wash dishes and dry them and put them away. I do things without being told and that's something I need to learn and understand if I want to live by myself. Another thing to look forward to is volunteer work. I start in January and I'd have to walk there by myself because I can't drive. I do have my permit and all, I just can't really start driving until I'm under the insurance and I've done my hours. Sucks but that'll be another thing I'll be working on when Spring comes around. 
     Although things may look grim now, I need to be optimistic about what's happening in the future. Maybe I'll have a job by then. Only time will tell.