For my New Year's resolution, I've decided it'd be beneficial that I at least do things that would help me in the long run. For this week and other weeks to come, I've been trying to get back into dieting. Vegetarian dieting has done me good so far, eating smaller meals and tofu. Not just tofu by itself but I've been trying to use recipes to season the tofu while also making them into thin chunks. it's done well, actually. I haven't had any issues with bland seasoning or whatever. It's not that bad of a substance. I've had some bad tofu before but I imagine it as like a bean paste. Some people never actually try it and it bugs me when I want to try something new and have their honest opinions. I'm not that bad of a cook... Along with dieting, I've been lifting weights in order to burn whatever calories I've been storing overnight. And replacing every drink with a strawberry banana tofu-shake, water or unsweetened iced tea. Since most of our calories come from drinks, I assumed it'd be best for me. And I've surprisingly lost weight within a few days. I'm not trying to lose the weight to have a better figure. I've been having chronic back, knee and foot pains because of the excessive weight they've been carrying. I hadn't seen a doctor about it because I knew that my weight would have been the issue.
I've also thought about seeing a gender therapist. It's been four months already since I've felt this way about myself and I thought maybe it'd help me identify as a male, find the support I need and get my letter within the year. At first, calling them made me really nervous. They didn't answer so I wasn't too happy. But at least my repetitive calling and emails got them to understand that I desperately want to see a therapist. I figured out how to pay for it myself knowingly being unemployed and I really wish I could save the money for something else instead but it's teaching me to fund for important things. At least my birthday's coming, I'll get something from some people and try to save that up. Not quite sure what I'd want to do for my birthday but I know I want to have a quiet one. This year's birthday (Not a new year just yet) wasn't particularly the best one. I get that people have things to do but it really hurt when I just spent the day by myself.. Maybe a nice fish dinner would make up for it.
I've had an awfully hard time trying to make friends on the internet. Or even talk to people. I guess I should remember that people are scared of things they don't understand. But it hurts in some way or another because I just want to bee seen as me and as a male. I've had people try to compliment me giving me the "you're a beautiful person" and everything of the such. It doesn't make me feel good; it's not flattering. In fact, it makes me feel terrible about myself because I work so hard to make myself look as I am today. I try to aim for "good looking" or "charming" and even so, I feel I hadn't even done much to begin with. I wish people just didn't bother with compliments because it would have done me better emotionally. People would never really understand until they've been through it themselves. Which was something I've come to learn, myself. All I can say is that my partner is doing the best she can to make sure that I'm taken care of in some way or another. She's everything I could hope for and she's been there when I needed it the most. I don't think I could have ever done this myself. This coming year feels like it will be a good year. All I can say is that I have to make the best of it. We'll make the best of it.
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