Impasse

     Lately, I haven't been able to do the things I've wanted to do in a long while due to the people in my household. I've also reached a point in my transition where people suspect that I've been influenced in a behavioral way with how I dress and speak to my partner. I couldn't let it affect me anymore. I thought the best solution I had was just to stop doing what I'm doing with the transition. It's too much of a serious thing for me to take on with all of these other complications in my life. For one, I've started volunteer work. That's all nice and dandy, I have no problem doing it. But to me, it feels like I could be doing something better with my life than volunteering but that's all I can do right now. 
     Job searching isn't going too well and I'm just trying my hardest to stand out to the place I work at just so I could get a job somewhere there. The only thing that is really pressuring me is the fact that my parents expect me to just go out there and find a job. Like it's the '60s and all I really have to do is go in, talk about myself and get hired then and there. It's not like that anymore and I've had it. But it's not only that; it's the way they decide not to help me anymore like suggest places or direct me to a website. They don't do that. Just today, I went to the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal (since it's friday and I gotta have my bowl of cereal). My dad came in and saw me eating. He said, "What are you doing?" I didn't know what he was talking about so I just responded with the obvious, "I'm eating.". Then he retorted with, "You didn't pay for it. You don't pay for anything." I nearly cried out of anger but I just dumped the bowl in the sink and passed him with "I won't eat; I don't expect anything for my birthday." I do believe that he wouldn't do anything for my birthday, which is coming by less than a month. Happy 19th birthday to me... I went back to my room and tried to apply for jobs. Come to the same issue as I had many times before: "I need a degree for this job", "I need a license to do this", "My resume isn't at all impressive" so yes, I did a good share of crying today. The only person who wants to help me is my partner. I just feel terrible when she feels like she has to be the parent when my parents aren't helping me out... I want to prove that I can do something and feel dedicated about it. I know now what I want to major in and what I want to be for a long while but I need my parents' support too. I wish there wasn't any sort of conflicting process to get where I need to be. Life shouldn't be this hard. I blame the puritans for creating college and making life more complicated than it should be. And this is just the start! I don't envy the people who do have jobs or beg them for a placement. I just get frustrated when they say terrible things about their employer or whine about how they want to quit. If they really want to quit, I'd want them to suggest me to fill their position. I wish that was possible.
     Another thing that happens to be pressuring me a little is the fact that my partner wants to have surgery this year. I'm happy for her and I will always support her. I'm just a little worried. She's deserving of this and I'd hate for her to not get the support she needs to get it done. I don't mind canceling certain events and all to get her the things she needs. Sacrifice is something that comes with every relationship. It's one of the few things I can do. And I'm proud to say that I can give up something I really want to do just to do what is best. 
     There may be a little glimpse of light someplace. It's difficult to see the light when you're used to living in a cave. But when there's downs, there must be ups and that's something I need to remember. I just need to take an aspirin and life as hard as I can to the groin; enduring the hard comings and making the best out of another.

Things I've Learned While "Being Out"

     Since I've been out, I've been battling my own identity. I didn't realize how difficult it'd be in a social situation. And these were things that came within time or when I've come to realize how hard it'd be. 
     First few weeks I've been out, people still teated me like a woman on the internet. Like "Send me nudes" and "You wanna smoke me out?" but keep in mind that these were people with some serious mental problems because when I turned them down (which was all the time) they killed themselves in the end. I felt no remorse towards it; I just felt that I couldn't make too many friends. Which was exactly what was happening. Lost a few friends when I came out. I made good ones out of the ones I already had. It was okay but I didn't have too much support.

     I hadn't started hormones, but I've been working on my attire for the time being while I think about these things. But during the time, I've became good friends with another one like me. He's excited about hormones while I've only contemplated so... That's sorta what got me thinking that they might not be right for me due to my health conditions. I don't think they'd mean much to me if that was what it may contribute to. We talk and that's good. I'm getting some support on the internet, too.
     What I've learned when being out? The way I dress, the way I present myself as well as define, I noticed how people started getting rude to me. They don't leave doors open for me, they don't hold small conversations, they don't even look at me. I thought it may be because I look the way I do and they don't know nor do they want to understand what my situation is. I don't get the attention. But then again, I really didn't get any attention to begin with. Sometimes I sit alone for long periods of time, drawing and doing my own thing while I'm out with my parents. Not even once does anyone bug me to get to know what I'm doing or anything so... I mean, I don't like people but I feel like I'm not even out having a good time when I get the same sort of temperament like I do at home. People aren't friendly to guys... and that's just some elaborate social mechanic. 
     I went to a night club with my partner and a few friends a while back. I hadn't told her anything that night because well... we both had a bad night. I accidentally bumped into some girl that was flailing her arms around. I said "sorry" but she called me "a fucking perv". I felt bad, I wanted to cry so I just sat out. It's also been hard for me to exercise because I get chest pains when I do. So, that may have contributed to it as well. I wasted money for a night of fun for my night to turn to crap and even crappier. I couldn't let my partner know that I had problems... I had to be the rock and the foundation for her that night. I can't let my emotions get to me when I have to be strong for someone else that meant every ounce of importance.
     
     In other news, I had an interview yesterday at an animal shelter for volunteer work. Yeah, I got the work and that's great and today I'm doing some training before I start on the 17th. But the problem there is that I'm addressed as "Elly" and not "Nick". My interviewer (superior) happened to be an older lady and I didn't want her to think anything low of me because we both grew up in different times with different morals, of course. She asked me, "What would you like to be called?" and "Elly" just tumbled out of my mouth. I guess that's something I have to keep strong about in the inside. For coming out to a superior/supervisor/boss is not possible or professional. As far as I learned when trying to do interviews and all that, that's something to keep private. I suppose it goes along with the whole "Don't ask, don't tell" thing.
     I dunno. I just feel like people like to show their true shallow selves when it's a man but when it's a woman, they're the nicest beings on the planet. As bigoted as it sounds, that's just something that I've experienced.