Things I've Learned While "Being Out"

     Since I've been out, I've been battling my own identity. I didn't realize how difficult it'd be in a social situation. And these were things that came within time or when I've come to realize how hard it'd be. 
     First few weeks I've been out, people still teated me like a woman on the internet. Like "Send me nudes" and "You wanna smoke me out?" but keep in mind that these were people with some serious mental problems because when I turned them down (which was all the time) they killed themselves in the end. I felt no remorse towards it; I just felt that I couldn't make too many friends. Which was exactly what was happening. Lost a few friends when I came out. I made good ones out of the ones I already had. It was okay but I didn't have too much support.

     I hadn't started hormones, but I've been working on my attire for the time being while I think about these things. But during the time, I've became good friends with another one like me. He's excited about hormones while I've only contemplated so... That's sorta what got me thinking that they might not be right for me due to my health conditions. I don't think they'd mean much to me if that was what it may contribute to. We talk and that's good. I'm getting some support on the internet, too.
     What I've learned when being out? The way I dress, the way I present myself as well as define, I noticed how people started getting rude to me. They don't leave doors open for me, they don't hold small conversations, they don't even look at me. I thought it may be because I look the way I do and they don't know nor do they want to understand what my situation is. I don't get the attention. But then again, I really didn't get any attention to begin with. Sometimes I sit alone for long periods of time, drawing and doing my own thing while I'm out with my parents. Not even once does anyone bug me to get to know what I'm doing or anything so... I mean, I don't like people but I feel like I'm not even out having a good time when I get the same sort of temperament like I do at home. People aren't friendly to guys... and that's just some elaborate social mechanic. 
     I went to a night club with my partner and a few friends a while back. I hadn't told her anything that night because well... we both had a bad night. I accidentally bumped into some girl that was flailing her arms around. I said "sorry" but she called me "a fucking perv". I felt bad, I wanted to cry so I just sat out. It's also been hard for me to exercise because I get chest pains when I do. So, that may have contributed to it as well. I wasted money for a night of fun for my night to turn to crap and even crappier. I couldn't let my partner know that I had problems... I had to be the rock and the foundation for her that night. I can't let my emotions get to me when I have to be strong for someone else that meant every ounce of importance.
     
     In other news, I had an interview yesterday at an animal shelter for volunteer work. Yeah, I got the work and that's great and today I'm doing some training before I start on the 17th. But the problem there is that I'm addressed as "Elly" and not "Nick". My interviewer (superior) happened to be an older lady and I didn't want her to think anything low of me because we both grew up in different times with different morals, of course. She asked me, "What would you like to be called?" and "Elly" just tumbled out of my mouth. I guess that's something I have to keep strong about in the inside. For coming out to a superior/supervisor/boss is not possible or professional. As far as I learned when trying to do interviews and all that, that's something to keep private. I suppose it goes along with the whole "Don't ask, don't tell" thing.
     I dunno. I just feel like people like to show their true shallow selves when it's a man but when it's a woman, they're the nicest beings on the planet. As bigoted as it sounds, that's just something that I've experienced.