As I've stated back on my first few blog posts, I was always the odd one out. I was shy, I was timid and I was very insecure about myself. I've grown to understand that I shouldn't be ashamed of myself or what I've done because there's always someone out there who would be in worse positions than me. That I shouldn't pity them because of it, but know of their story and form myself as a person. There's no "it's a guy/girl thing". We all grow to realize what we need in life is something we can seek to understand, live to learn and experience what life has to offer. We have aspirations to be something, whether it's appearance or what we become. It all changes by one simple decision: the act of "doing".
Since I've graduated high school, I questioned myself "Where would I go", "What would I do". Of course those things are relevant to such a big transition from being dependent and unknowingly privileged with public education to facing the real world where everyone is out to wrong you. Somehow it directs to the fact that you can't function like a normal human being if you don't take part of the society we live in today. Jobs. They're not so hard to FIND, given the power of the intellectual web browsers, but when you're up to challenge everyone else with better resumes and a presentable husk it makes you feel like you're a little less than inadequate. Let's say you have the same amount of work experience as a mushroom and you're competing against a cheetah. "You're a mushroom. What can you do?" Well, I can grow in shallow and damp places... "How are your hunting skills?" I'm a mushroom.
I know I shouldn't be negative about it, but it's hard to show that you're impressive if you haven't got enough of an impression. So, I did what anyone with intuition would do and that was to volunteer. I now work at an animal shelter as volunteer work. I like it, I have nothing bad to say about it, but the fact that I only work once a week and somehow I feel like that's not enough. Makes me feel good though; working with dogs, pulling my weight around the community and showing that I can drag myself out of bed so early in the morning to let the dogs out(yes, I let the dogs out). I guess I'm pressured by all my other peers because they go on about how they have a job. I want to be able to pull my weight around in a way that I get paid for it while also not resorting to prostitution. I would definitely be able to perform tasks that anyone at my age should be able to do like cook or clean or organize. But when a business wants to put their best person forward, I'm sure they make the difficult decision to choose who they want. I can understand that for it's the sake of their reputation and not mine. At least, not too much of mine. But I want to be able to help myself and others. What can I do but to apply whenever I find an ad or set a date to dress nice and apply in person? Many people say so... "it is harder to apply for jobs than it is to maintain it". If that's true, then I'm just struggling like many other people who had to go through their efforts in finding their first job.
Along with volunteer work in my weekly routine, I've struggled with staying in school because it's just too much money for me to go every single term. I could apply for scholarships, and I have. I just haven't found any that are relevant to me. I can't necessarily apply for financial aid since I don't live in a particular lineage nor do I live off welfare. So, I'm stuck in this... I'm actually considering that I should take that step of "doing" and talk to someone who can help me stay in school. It's not right that I take every other term off.
Speaking of "doing", I've been forcing myself to diet. Nothing like "take a pill and you'll lose weight" or "sprinkle this on anything and it instantly becomes healthy" but considering my activity on an everyday basis and determining what I would need in my diet. I live a hermit-like life. Mainly sedentary. So, what's the point of me going by the food pyramid and saying "I have to eat 2,000 calories a day because the food gods say so" when I can eat just 500-1,000 day? Some people would deem it unhealthy but it's been a week and I've lost a total of 6lbs since I started while also eating less and considering what I've been eating. Just today I decided to have a burger and even so, I felt sick to my stomach. I can't eat things like that anymore. I can't even eat three meals a day. Yeah, I would snack on an apple, have a small serving of carbs in the morning and vegetables or meat-substitutes through the day but most of the time, I just eat when I'm hungry. Just lately, I haven't been too hungry and that's been somewhat weird to me. How I just suddenly grow accustomed to this diet. I've only been filling up on water, too.
I was told numerous times that I should be more social with people. To be honest, I'm not even sure how I made relations with most of my friendships/acquaintances. Weird to say but it's like I blacked out through the time that it began. Probably. It's a little difficult to say that I should be more social given that my daily basis consists of volunteer work/job search, lounging and doing household chores and an occasional visit. Sad to say, but I've been reading into some "How To" pages regarding social dynamics and being social in general. I guess I could strike a conversation with "hello" and "what do you like to do" but why make the extra effort if there's absolutely nothing in common between us two? I'm still trying to do some exercises in front of mirrors so I don't look or say anything awkward.
I have a feeling that things will turn for the best. I'm probably just being superficial for the year so far.
