There have been many people who had asked me these questions over the time I've been transitioning, so I decided to compose a Q&A type FAQ. This would be my first Q&A so I'll answer to the best of my ability.
1) Q: How did you find that you were transgendered?
A: I wasn't aware that there was such a thing to feel a different sex. I just assumed that cisgendered girls determined the way they dressed with their sex. I was very young back when I thought that, but later on I met people who defined as the "opposite sex". A year later of being exposed to another portion of the LGBTQ community, I found myself questioning my sex. Not because of the people I befriended or the woman I love, but because I felt this looming sense that I was genuinely different from everyone else.
2) Q: When were you first aware that you were transgendered?
A: I remember being 3 or 4 years of age. I used to stay at this daycare while my mum and dad worked day shifts to help raise money for the move to the Great North West. I wasn't sure what went on that day, but I remember I argued with my mum about wearing my overalls for daycare photos (much like school photos). We made a compromise; I wear this white dress and matching marry janes for the photos so I could change into my overalls after. It was recess and I've ventured to the playground where this large slide sat. But it was a cool slide because it had nets you can climb on which lead to a boardwalk and a tiny playhouse at the very top. I stood inside, overlooking the playground. These three boys came behind me. The 'leader' of the group pushed me and stated, "No girls allowed". I remember saying, "but I am a boy". They didn't take it too lightly but I remember this kid tried to punch me, but I punched him right back and kicked him while he cried on the ground. The other two boys left him with me. Then I was called over to take some photo for the daycare and I had such an awkward smile. I was just too excited for what happened because from then on, I owned the slide. Of course, I did get an ear pulling for what I've done to the kid, but it meant a lot to me; owning a piece of territory for making another kid cry. Maybe it's the Spanish in my blood.
Another incident would have to be when I was a few years older. I was really close to my dad to the point where I'd sit on the toilet cover and watch him shave. I was watching him shave with a double edged razor he assembled himself and he was just shaving in precision. I was watching quietly. He finished up and told me to come along for breakfast that morning, but I said I had to brush my teeth. I was alone in the bathroom with a razor and shaving cream and I wanted to do the same thing my dad did. I lathered on too much shaving cream and I stood on the stool to reach the sink. I was trying very carefully to shave my upper lip. I managed to do well my first time around, but got over confident and cut my lip. I washed everything off and tried to stop the bleeding before I went for breakfast. It stopped as soon as it began and I was ready to go. My grandma asked me what I've done to my face because she could see booboos better than I. I told her that I was shaving and she gave me the "You're too young to shave. Only men shave their face." I didn't think that experience would have followed me to this day.
3) Q: How does it affect your relationships?
A: Like many relationships, they come and go or come to stay. I try to be optimistic when it comes to friendships of any kind. There have been instances where I had come out to a new friend of mine and they just stopped talking to me entirely. Although, I do wait for them to ask me the question before I even come out to say. I've learned that the hard way with some of my previous friendships. I feel it affects my relationships in different levels, though. There are people who treated me like they used to a while back when they knew me as that "goth girl". There are people who generally treat me as a male. I don't see a difference between "I'm trying to condition myself to use that name instead of your previous" and "I seriously think of you as a cisgendered male", but I suppose the ignorance is bliss.
4) Q: How do you feel about transgendered rights?
A: I honestly don't care. I just want people to leave me out of anything political. Even if it's a protest or a parade. I'm not going to put myself out there and make myself an easy target for the rest of the people to mock. I see myself as equal as everyone else. "Social norms" won't stop me from using the bathroom if I so desperately need to go.
5) Q: Who was the first person you came out to?
A: I came out to my friends in general because I wanted everyone to know. Unfortunately, they didn't believe me and figured that I was just doing it because it was a phase. I wasn't very happy when people gave me the cold shoulder, but then again, it made me realize who was willing to support me and help guide me-- even if they weren't empathetic as they were understanding.
I came out to my partner. I figured she'd understand and help me through it. But like anyone who would receive that big of news, she needed some time to accept that. She had supported me throughout this year; helped me meet other people who were just like me, sent me articles and links to websites to refer to when I needed help. I can not stress enough how appreciative I am to have such an accepting and loving partner.
6) Q: Do you feel like you draw attention to yourself in public?
A: I feel I do but I attract as much attention as a butch lesbian. To be honest, I do look like a butch but I don't at the same time. I dress in men's clothes and bind my chest and most of my wardrobe is not as form fitting as one would think. I suppose I've been through a lot of clothes during a short period of time to help me find what would be best for me. I don't normally look at people, but I observe and I know they stare at me. I'm not a mind reader but if I were, it'd be sorta interesting to find what other people are thinking. I know that may never happen, but I do question myself when people stare at me for long periods of time. Not that I'm offended by it, it's just new to me as a boy since no one ever really paid attention to me as an awkward girl.
7) Q: Have you ever been in a situation that made you uncomfortable?
A: I've been in many situations that made me uncomfortable. The one off the top of my head was when I was with my partner. We finished watching the movie at the theater and I had a hard time deciding to use the men's restroom and be brave or the women's restroom and be brave sometime else. She pushed me into the men's restroom and I stumbled in. I had medium length hair at the point and skinny jeans and a sports bra weren't doing me any justice. I was really nervous because I felt like I was hiding under cover and hoping that no one found me. I had to use the stall and I made as much noise as I could, peeing. I just went to wash my hands with two other guys behind me. I quickly washed and left. I hadn't felt so nervous before, not even in a job interview. I feel like there are some places where it's acceptable for me to be brave but other places where I can't. I'm just learning social norms between other men so it's been a little difficult for me to understand.
8) Q: Have you ever faced discrimination within the LGBTQ community?
A: When I was in high school, we had extracurricular activities, such as clubs. It was my senior year (a year dating my partner and a few months since I had openly been out as transgendered) and I was looking for support. Most of my friends had vanished after I came out to them, so I needed new ones. I was in the process of signing up for "Gay Club" at their booth set up in the cafeteria. One of the people manning the booth asked me, "What is your real name?" And of course, I took that into offense but not too much because they seemed naïve and unaware. Then the same person asked, "Are you atomically a female or male?" At that point, I just dropped the pen and left. I knew they wouldn't help me and I didn't need the stress as is.
9) Q: Do you have any intention on starting hormones?
A: I do, but right now is not the best time for me. I've considered the fact that I am unemployed and I don't have such a supportive household. I know that my parents wouldn't want to tolerate any "stupidity" in my part and would willingly clean their hands of me. Sometimes though, I do think it might be best that I just take estrogen blockers for a year and see how it goes. I know for a fact that I've got testosterone in my body as is, due to my PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I've got abnormal hair growth patterns, masculine body hair/ facial hair... I've been diagnosed with it 6 or 7 years ago and it plagued me then. I grew to adapt and enjoy it while I can. I believe that once I'm older, have a job that I can rely on for a year or two, I'll be able to start. I just don't think now is the best time, especially in this household.
10) Q: Do you have anyone in the family you can go to for support?
A: Unfortunately, no. Most of my relatives forget that I exist because we don't communicate as much as a family should. This had brought some very unresolved drama. As for my immediate family, I believe that they're somewhat accepting. They accept my partner and that's really all I care about; that they love her and see why I love her. Sometimes though, I'd wish they'd call me by my preferred name than my given. And male pronouns instead of female. It doesn't mean that they're bad parents. I can only imagine how it'd be, being a cisgendered parent having a transgendered child. It'll take time. Lots of time, I'm certain. All I know is that they're willing to accept me as their child for as long as I live. And as long as I'm materialistically successful and doing something with my life.
That seems to be it for now! I'll do another Q&A when I've got some other questions that are in dire need to be answered. Thank you for your time!
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