Questions and Answers pt.2

1) Q:"How was your first binding experience?"

    A: My very first binding experience was THE WORST. First of all, I didn't know my limits. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to bind when it started hurting me. I didn't know that elastic bandages were the riskiest of all methods, along with banding. Secondly, I didn't know that there were websites where I can buy binders. I wasn't informed of any resources whatsoever. My partner was the only one to really help me through and even she didn't know what I would have needed. I do appreciate her support, I just wish I knew better and looked out for myself a bit. 
   I remember wearing my DIY binder for the first time at a night club. It was cold and I was in respiratory/spinal pain but I didn't say or do anything about it; I just endured it. It was hard enough to dance and I didn't want to let my partner down so I continued to dance all hunched over because my binder was too tight on me. It didn't help that I was wearing a tight t-shirt, too. The moment I came home and took off my binder was probably the best feeling I've had all that night; relief. 
   Even now, after a long day of wearing a real binder, I feel relieved when I take it off for the day. No more back pains, I can finally sit down with a flannel and relax haha!

2) Q:"How do you feel about SRS or STPs?"

    A: Personally, I don't really care for either. I can live without a non-functioning penis and I don't have a problem sitting to pee. Maybe when I don't pee like a downward geyser, I would consider getting an STP. Until then, I will learn how to exercise my bottom muscles in order to control the stream, if you get what I mean (tmi, I know). 

3) Q:"Do you have people and friends to support you? i.e. Support groups, gatherings"

    A: I don't actually attend support groups or gatherings. I don't see the point in trying to meet people who deal with the same things, but aren't like me in a sense. In a sense that I don't portray a stereotypical trans* man. I do get the "you haven't started hormones, you're not really trans." and "you don't look like a trans* man, you're probably a lesbian". I've tinkered with that idea for the longest time and my partner can vouch for that. 
   Going back to the topic, I just don't find much support from groups when I come back feeling inadequate and emasculated knowing that there are people who've progressed when I've stayed in this realm of unfortunance.

4) Q:"Do you feel like you're treated different?"

    A: I don't think I'm treated any more different than a cisgendered female. I don't get the respect as MtFs do, but I believe that's because of their "previous roles". So yeah, I've always been treated like a girl; being talked down to, being a sexual object to some other people of the same preferred sex. It's hard on me because I feel I'm not going anywhere in my transition and I'll never be seen as a guy to people I associate with and people who don't know me at first glance.

5) Q:"How do people treat you like a sexual object?"
     
    A: Like I said before, I've been treated like a cisgendered female even when I come out to people and tell them that I'm trans. For some odd reason, they just disregard that whole concept and go straight to asking if I have the parts that women* tend to have. I go no further into detail because it's not their position to know and it's all in my power to keep to myself.
   It doesn't really offend me and it doesn't really feel comforting to know that the work I've done has gone no where. I don't find it as "sexual harassment"; no doubt, it is harassment of its own. I'm not quite certain what drives people to be blunt and obnoxious about these particular things. Perhaps it's hedonism in its finest form. 
   After all of this, I've grown to slowly dislike sex and people all together. 

6) Q:"Has sex become a totally different concept to you since transitioning?"
   
    A: To be honest, I don't think it's changed my thoughts on it, but that's because I feel comfortable enough with my partner to do those things. I don't believe in having multiple sexual partners, therefore, I do not have more than one. It discomforts me quite a bit. And there are particular things I will not do, depending on if it'd make me feel dysphoric; like taking off my top or my binder. But for the most part, she's seen me naked so I'm not ashamed to show off what I have in a casual "I just got out of the shower" sense. I know she won't judge me and I know she sees me as who I am on the inside.

7) Q:"Have you ever felt the need to give up on your transition?"
   
    A: I've come close to thinking about giving up. I mean, what have I got to lose other than my happiness and pride? I haven't started hormones, I haven't done anything because there's always something to block my goal. But at the same time, would I have been a happy person without the kick in the butt to progress? Probably not-- actually, no. I wouldn't have. Even if it's just wearing men's clothes, it's enough to keep me happy. I just wish that things were easier on me; getting counseling, obtaining a letter and starting T. But sometimes, that doesn't necessarily work out and I have to wait. Waiting isn't too bad as some may think otherwise. At least, for me, I feel stuck in an unsettling stand-still. But at the same time, it gives me an opportunity to look more into how testosterone would affect me and figure my options before I start doing something that can potentially damage my organs. Maybe it is for the best, at least for now.