1) Q:"How was your first binding experience?"
A: My very first binding experience was THE WORST. First of all, I didn't know my limits. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to bind when it started hurting me. I didn't know that elastic bandages were the riskiest of all methods, along with banding. Secondly, I didn't know that there were websites where I can buy binders. I wasn't informed of any resources whatsoever. My partner was the only one to really help me through and even she didn't know what I would have needed. I do appreciate her support, I just wish I knew better and looked out for myself a bit.
I remember wearing my DIY binder for the first time at a night club. It was cold and I was in respiratory/spinal pain but I didn't say or do anything about it; I just endured it. It was hard enough to dance and I didn't want to let my partner down so I continued to dance all hunched over because my binder was too tight on me. It didn't help that I was wearing a tight t-shirt, too. The moment I came home and took off my binder was probably the best feeling I've had all that night; relief.
Even now, after a long day of wearing a real binder, I feel relieved when I take it off for the day. No more back pains, I can finally sit down with a flannel and relax haha!
2) Q:"How do you feel about SRS or STPs?"
A: Personally, I don't really care for either. I can live without a non-functioning penis and I don't have a problem sitting to pee. Maybe when I don't pee like a downward geyser, I would consider getting an STP. Until then, I will learn how to exercise my bottom muscles in order to control the stream, if you get what I mean (tmi, I know).
3) Q:"Do you have people and friends to support you? i.e. Support groups, gatherings"
A: I don't actually attend support groups or gatherings. I don't see the point in trying to meet people who deal with the same things, but aren't like me in a sense. In a sense that I don't portray a stereotypical trans* man. I do get the "you haven't started hormones, you're not really trans." and "you don't look like a trans* man, you're probably a lesbian". I've tinkered with that idea for the longest time and my partner can vouch for that.
Going back to the topic, I just don't find much support from groups when I come back feeling inadequate and emasculated knowing that there are people who've progressed when I've stayed in this realm of unfortunance.
4) Q:"Do you feel like you're treated different?"
A: I don't think I'm treated any more different than a cisgendered female. I don't get the respect as MtFs do, but I believe that's because of their "previous roles". So yeah, I've always been treated like a girl; being talked down to, being a sexual object to some other people of the same preferred sex. It's hard on me because I feel I'm not going anywhere in my transition and I'll never be seen as a guy to people I associate with and people who don't know me at first glance.
5) Q:"How do people treat you like a sexual object?"
A: Like I said before, I've been treated like a cisgendered female even when I come out to people and tell them that I'm trans. For some odd reason, they just disregard that whole concept and go straight to asking if I have the parts that women* tend to have. I go no further into detail because it's not their position to know and it's all in my power to keep to myself.
It doesn't really offend me and it doesn't really feel comforting to know that the work I've done has gone no where. I don't find it as "sexual harassment"; no doubt, it is harassment of its own. I'm not quite certain what drives people to be blunt and obnoxious about these particular things. Perhaps it's hedonism in its finest form.
After all of this, I've grown to slowly dislike sex and people all together.
6) Q:"Has sex become a totally different concept to you since transitioning?"
A: To be honest, I don't think it's changed my thoughts on it, but that's because I feel comfortable enough with my partner to do those things. I don't believe in having multiple sexual partners, therefore, I do not have more than one. It discomforts me quite a bit. And there are particular things I will not do, depending on if it'd make me feel dysphoric; like taking off my top or my binder. But for the most part, she's seen me naked so I'm not ashamed to show off what I have in a casual "I just got out of the shower" sense. I know she won't judge me and I know she sees me as who I am on the inside.
7) Q:"Have you ever felt the need to give up on your transition?"
A: I've come close to thinking about giving up. I mean, what have I got to lose other than my happiness and pride? I haven't started hormones, I haven't done anything because there's always something to block my goal. But at the same time, would I have been a happy person without the kick in the butt to progress? Probably not-- actually, no. I wouldn't have. Even if it's just wearing men's clothes, it's enough to keep me happy. I just wish that things were easier on me; getting counseling, obtaining a letter and starting T. But sometimes, that doesn't necessarily work out and I have to wait. Waiting isn't too bad as some may think otherwise. At least, for me, I feel stuck in an unsettling stand-still. But at the same time, it gives me an opportunity to look more into how testosterone would affect me and figure my options before I start doing something that can potentially damage my organs. Maybe it is for the best, at least for now.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Questions and Answers pt.1
There have been many people who had asked me these questions over the time I've been transitioning, so I decided to compose a Q&A type FAQ. This would be my first Q&A so I'll answer to the best of my ability.
1) Q: How did you find that you were transgendered?
A: I wasn't aware that there was such a thing to feel a different sex. I just assumed that cisgendered girls determined the way they dressed with their sex. I was very young back when I thought that, but later on I met people who defined as the "opposite sex". A year later of being exposed to another portion of the LGBTQ community, I found myself questioning my sex. Not because of the people I befriended or the woman I love, but because I felt this looming sense that I was genuinely different from everyone else.
2) Q: When were you first aware that you were transgendered?
A: I remember being 3 or 4 years of age. I used to stay at this daycare while my mum and dad worked day shifts to help raise money for the move to the Great North West. I wasn't sure what went on that day, but I remember I argued with my mum about wearing my overalls for daycare photos (much like school photos). We made a compromise; I wear this white dress and matching marry janes for the photos so I could change into my overalls after. It was recess and I've ventured to the playground where this large slide sat. But it was a cool slide because it had nets you can climb on which lead to a boardwalk and a tiny playhouse at the very top. I stood inside, overlooking the playground. These three boys came behind me. The 'leader' of the group pushed me and stated, "No girls allowed". I remember saying, "but I am a boy". They didn't take it too lightly but I remember this kid tried to punch me, but I punched him right back and kicked him while he cried on the ground. The other two boys left him with me. Then I was called over to take some photo for the daycare and I had such an awkward smile. I was just too excited for what happened because from then on, I owned the slide. Of course, I did get an ear pulling for what I've done to the kid, but it meant a lot to me; owning a piece of territory for making another kid cry. Maybe it's the Spanish in my blood.
Another incident would have to be when I was a few years older. I was really close to my dad to the point where I'd sit on the toilet cover and watch him shave. I was watching him shave with a double edged razor he assembled himself and he was just shaving in precision. I was watching quietly. He finished up and told me to come along for breakfast that morning, but I said I had to brush my teeth. I was alone in the bathroom with a razor and shaving cream and I wanted to do the same thing my dad did. I lathered on too much shaving cream and I stood on the stool to reach the sink. I was trying very carefully to shave my upper lip. I managed to do well my first time around, but got over confident and cut my lip. I washed everything off and tried to stop the bleeding before I went for breakfast. It stopped as soon as it began and I was ready to go. My grandma asked me what I've done to my face because she could see booboos better than I. I told her that I was shaving and she gave me the "You're too young to shave. Only men shave their face." I didn't think that experience would have followed me to this day.
3) Q: How does it affect your relationships?
A: Like many relationships, they come and go or come to stay. I try to be optimistic when it comes to friendships of any kind. There have been instances where I had come out to a new friend of mine and they just stopped talking to me entirely. Although, I do wait for them to ask me the question before I even come out to say. I've learned that the hard way with some of my previous friendships. I feel it affects my relationships in different levels, though. There are people who treated me like they used to a while back when they knew me as that "goth girl". There are people who generally treat me as a male. I don't see a difference between "I'm trying to condition myself to use that name instead of your previous" and "I seriously think of you as a cisgendered male", but I suppose the ignorance is bliss.
4) Q: How do you feel about transgendered rights?
A: I honestly don't care. I just want people to leave me out of anything political. Even if it's a protest or a parade. I'm not going to put myself out there and make myself an easy target for the rest of the people to mock. I see myself as equal as everyone else. "Social norms" won't stop me from using the bathroom if I so desperately need to go.
5) Q: Who was the first person you came out to?
A: I came out to my friends in general because I wanted everyone to know. Unfortunately, they didn't believe me and figured that I was just doing it because it was a phase. I wasn't very happy when people gave me the cold shoulder, but then again, it made me realize who was willing to support me and help guide me-- even if they weren't empathetic as they were understanding.
I came out to my partner. I figured she'd understand and help me through it. But like anyone who would receive that big of news, she needed some time to accept that. She had supported me throughout this year; helped me meet other people who were just like me, sent me articles and links to websites to refer to when I needed help. I can not stress enough how appreciative I am to have such an accepting and loving partner.
6) Q: Do you feel like you draw attention to yourself in public?
A: I feel I do but I attract as much attention as a butch lesbian. To be honest, I do look like a butch but I don't at the same time. I dress in men's clothes and bind my chest and most of my wardrobe is not as form fitting as one would think. I suppose I've been through a lot of clothes during a short period of time to help me find what would be best for me. I don't normally look at people, but I observe and I know they stare at me. I'm not a mind reader but if I were, it'd be sorta interesting to find what other people are thinking. I know that may never happen, but I do question myself when people stare at me for long periods of time. Not that I'm offended by it, it's just new to me as a boy since no one ever really paid attention to me as an awkward girl.
7) Q: Have you ever been in a situation that made you uncomfortable?
A: I've been in many situations that made me uncomfortable. The one off the top of my head was when I was with my partner. We finished watching the movie at the theater and I had a hard time deciding to use the men's restroom and be brave or the women's restroom and be brave sometime else. She pushed me into the men's restroom and I stumbled in. I had medium length hair at the point and skinny jeans and a sports bra weren't doing me any justice. I was really nervous because I felt like I was hiding under cover and hoping that no one found me. I had to use the stall and I made as much noise as I could, peeing. I just went to wash my hands with two other guys behind me. I quickly washed and left. I hadn't felt so nervous before, not even in a job interview. I feel like there are some places where it's acceptable for me to be brave but other places where I can't. I'm just learning social norms between other men so it's been a little difficult for me to understand.
8) Q: Have you ever faced discrimination within the LGBTQ community?
A: When I was in high school, we had extracurricular activities, such as clubs. It was my senior year (a year dating my partner and a few months since I had openly been out as transgendered) and I was looking for support. Most of my friends had vanished after I came out to them, so I needed new ones. I was in the process of signing up for "Gay Club" at their booth set up in the cafeteria. One of the people manning the booth asked me, "What is your real name?" And of course, I took that into offense but not too much because they seemed naïve and unaware. Then the same person asked, "Are you atomically a female or male?" At that point, I just dropped the pen and left. I knew they wouldn't help me and I didn't need the stress as is.
9) Q: Do you have any intention on starting hormones?
A: I do, but right now is not the best time for me. I've considered the fact that I am unemployed and I don't have such a supportive household. I know that my parents wouldn't want to tolerate any "stupidity" in my part and would willingly clean their hands of me. Sometimes though, I do think it might be best that I just take estrogen blockers for a year and see how it goes. I know for a fact that I've got testosterone in my body as is, due to my PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I've got abnormal hair growth patterns, masculine body hair/ facial hair... I've been diagnosed with it 6 or 7 years ago and it plagued me then. I grew to adapt and enjoy it while I can. I believe that once I'm older, have a job that I can rely on for a year or two, I'll be able to start. I just don't think now is the best time, especially in this household.
10) Q: Do you have anyone in the family you can go to for support?
A: Unfortunately, no. Most of my relatives forget that I exist because we don't communicate as much as a family should. This had brought some very unresolved drama. As for my immediate family, I believe that they're somewhat accepting. They accept my partner and that's really all I care about; that they love her and see why I love her. Sometimes though, I'd wish they'd call me by my preferred name than my given. And male pronouns instead of female. It doesn't mean that they're bad parents. I can only imagine how it'd be, being a cisgendered parent having a transgendered child. It'll take time. Lots of time, I'm certain. All I know is that they're willing to accept me as their child for as long as I live. And as long as I'm materialistically successful and doing something with my life.
That seems to be it for now! I'll do another Q&A when I've got some other questions that are in dire need to be answered. Thank you for your time!
1) Q: How did you find that you were transgendered?
A: I wasn't aware that there was such a thing to feel a different sex. I just assumed that cisgendered girls determined the way they dressed with their sex. I was very young back when I thought that, but later on I met people who defined as the "opposite sex". A year later of being exposed to another portion of the LGBTQ community, I found myself questioning my sex. Not because of the people I befriended or the woman I love, but because I felt this looming sense that I was genuinely different from everyone else.
2) Q: When were you first aware that you were transgendered?
A: I remember being 3 or 4 years of age. I used to stay at this daycare while my mum and dad worked day shifts to help raise money for the move to the Great North West. I wasn't sure what went on that day, but I remember I argued with my mum about wearing my overalls for daycare photos (much like school photos). We made a compromise; I wear this white dress and matching marry janes for the photos so I could change into my overalls after. It was recess and I've ventured to the playground where this large slide sat. But it was a cool slide because it had nets you can climb on which lead to a boardwalk and a tiny playhouse at the very top. I stood inside, overlooking the playground. These three boys came behind me. The 'leader' of the group pushed me and stated, "No girls allowed". I remember saying, "but I am a boy". They didn't take it too lightly but I remember this kid tried to punch me, but I punched him right back and kicked him while he cried on the ground. The other two boys left him with me. Then I was called over to take some photo for the daycare and I had such an awkward smile. I was just too excited for what happened because from then on, I owned the slide. Of course, I did get an ear pulling for what I've done to the kid, but it meant a lot to me; owning a piece of territory for making another kid cry. Maybe it's the Spanish in my blood.
Another incident would have to be when I was a few years older. I was really close to my dad to the point where I'd sit on the toilet cover and watch him shave. I was watching him shave with a double edged razor he assembled himself and he was just shaving in precision. I was watching quietly. He finished up and told me to come along for breakfast that morning, but I said I had to brush my teeth. I was alone in the bathroom with a razor and shaving cream and I wanted to do the same thing my dad did. I lathered on too much shaving cream and I stood on the stool to reach the sink. I was trying very carefully to shave my upper lip. I managed to do well my first time around, but got over confident and cut my lip. I washed everything off and tried to stop the bleeding before I went for breakfast. It stopped as soon as it began and I was ready to go. My grandma asked me what I've done to my face because she could see booboos better than I. I told her that I was shaving and she gave me the "You're too young to shave. Only men shave their face." I didn't think that experience would have followed me to this day.
3) Q: How does it affect your relationships?
A: Like many relationships, they come and go or come to stay. I try to be optimistic when it comes to friendships of any kind. There have been instances where I had come out to a new friend of mine and they just stopped talking to me entirely. Although, I do wait for them to ask me the question before I even come out to say. I've learned that the hard way with some of my previous friendships. I feel it affects my relationships in different levels, though. There are people who treated me like they used to a while back when they knew me as that "goth girl". There are people who generally treat me as a male. I don't see a difference between "I'm trying to condition myself to use that name instead of your previous" and "I seriously think of you as a cisgendered male", but I suppose the ignorance is bliss.
4) Q: How do you feel about transgendered rights?
A: I honestly don't care. I just want people to leave me out of anything political. Even if it's a protest or a parade. I'm not going to put myself out there and make myself an easy target for the rest of the people to mock. I see myself as equal as everyone else. "Social norms" won't stop me from using the bathroom if I so desperately need to go.
5) Q: Who was the first person you came out to?
A: I came out to my friends in general because I wanted everyone to know. Unfortunately, they didn't believe me and figured that I was just doing it because it was a phase. I wasn't very happy when people gave me the cold shoulder, but then again, it made me realize who was willing to support me and help guide me-- even if they weren't empathetic as they were understanding.
I came out to my partner. I figured she'd understand and help me through it. But like anyone who would receive that big of news, she needed some time to accept that. She had supported me throughout this year; helped me meet other people who were just like me, sent me articles and links to websites to refer to when I needed help. I can not stress enough how appreciative I am to have such an accepting and loving partner.
6) Q: Do you feel like you draw attention to yourself in public?
A: I feel I do but I attract as much attention as a butch lesbian. To be honest, I do look like a butch but I don't at the same time. I dress in men's clothes and bind my chest and most of my wardrobe is not as form fitting as one would think. I suppose I've been through a lot of clothes during a short period of time to help me find what would be best for me. I don't normally look at people, but I observe and I know they stare at me. I'm not a mind reader but if I were, it'd be sorta interesting to find what other people are thinking. I know that may never happen, but I do question myself when people stare at me for long periods of time. Not that I'm offended by it, it's just new to me as a boy since no one ever really paid attention to me as an awkward girl.
7) Q: Have you ever been in a situation that made you uncomfortable?
A: I've been in many situations that made me uncomfortable. The one off the top of my head was when I was with my partner. We finished watching the movie at the theater and I had a hard time deciding to use the men's restroom and be brave or the women's restroom and be brave sometime else. She pushed me into the men's restroom and I stumbled in. I had medium length hair at the point and skinny jeans and a sports bra weren't doing me any justice. I was really nervous because I felt like I was hiding under cover and hoping that no one found me. I had to use the stall and I made as much noise as I could, peeing. I just went to wash my hands with two other guys behind me. I quickly washed and left. I hadn't felt so nervous before, not even in a job interview. I feel like there are some places where it's acceptable for me to be brave but other places where I can't. I'm just learning social norms between other men so it's been a little difficult for me to understand.
8) Q: Have you ever faced discrimination within the LGBTQ community?
A: When I was in high school, we had extracurricular activities, such as clubs. It was my senior year (a year dating my partner and a few months since I had openly been out as transgendered) and I was looking for support. Most of my friends had vanished after I came out to them, so I needed new ones. I was in the process of signing up for "Gay Club" at their booth set up in the cafeteria. One of the people manning the booth asked me, "What is your real name?" And of course, I took that into offense but not too much because they seemed naïve and unaware. Then the same person asked, "Are you atomically a female or male?" At that point, I just dropped the pen and left. I knew they wouldn't help me and I didn't need the stress as is.
9) Q: Do you have any intention on starting hormones?
A: I do, but right now is not the best time for me. I've considered the fact that I am unemployed and I don't have such a supportive household. I know that my parents wouldn't want to tolerate any "stupidity" in my part and would willingly clean their hands of me. Sometimes though, I do think it might be best that I just take estrogen blockers for a year and see how it goes. I know for a fact that I've got testosterone in my body as is, due to my PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I've got abnormal hair growth patterns, masculine body hair/ facial hair... I've been diagnosed with it 6 or 7 years ago and it plagued me then. I grew to adapt and enjoy it while I can. I believe that once I'm older, have a job that I can rely on for a year or two, I'll be able to start. I just don't think now is the best time, especially in this household.
10) Q: Do you have anyone in the family you can go to for support?
A: Unfortunately, no. Most of my relatives forget that I exist because we don't communicate as much as a family should. This had brought some very unresolved drama. As for my immediate family, I believe that they're somewhat accepting. They accept my partner and that's really all I care about; that they love her and see why I love her. Sometimes though, I'd wish they'd call me by my preferred name than my given. And male pronouns instead of female. It doesn't mean that they're bad parents. I can only imagine how it'd be, being a cisgendered parent having a transgendered child. It'll take time. Lots of time, I'm certain. All I know is that they're willing to accept me as their child for as long as I live. And as long as I'm materialistically successful and doing something with my life.
That seems to be it for now! I'll do another Q&A when I've got some other questions that are in dire need to be answered. Thank you for your time!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Detachment and Good Fortune
Today had marked a difficult day for me. Like any other day, it started out fairly gloomy given the fact that I am not a morning person. I didn't think much would happen within a day, introspectively speaking.
I've cleaned out my room just to have less and less material things to be attached to when that time comes around. For when I plan to move out and move on. It won't be soon, but it's best to start soon than never. There are too many things I'm in love with. I am a strong believer when it comes to objects having meaning and a soul. That's sort of the reason why it's hard for me to buy something from an antique store unless if it's something of dire want or need. To be honest, I think I've hoarded most of my stuff because they've become treasures within time and through my life. In the process of cleaning, I've come to the conclusion that I had to get rid of some clothes that I never wear. It's harder when I think of getting rid of clothes that I've fell in love with through each phase I had; predominately, my goth phase. I haven't yet gotten to that point. I've also been contemplating the idea of selling my bass.
My bass resembled any other electric bass, but she was her own being. I've given her the name Rene. I used to play her to some songs by Zombie Girl and Rene was the singer of the band. I couldn't think of any better name. I remember, I was 10 when I wanted a bass so bad enough that I used to save lunch money for it and every week that passed by, I was scolded for starving myself just to have that dream of having a bass at hand. I needed to make that dream a reality. I used to save pictures of my dream bass on my PC.
On my 13th birthday, I remember coming home from school from a disappointment of a day. As always, I was a loner and kept to myself. No one noticed me and no one knew it was my birthday so that made it all the better. I never liked drawing attention to myself or sitting awkwardly as people sang me to me. I came into my room to put my bag away and Ipod away. I found a bass leaning between my bookshelf and bed. After three years of begging for a bass and saving ads from Guitar Center's website, there it was; she sat for however long she did in that spot and waited for me. It was unreal, it was a dream come true. Her black trimmings and white interior. Her steel strings shimmering in the dimmed room light. She was a classy bass and she knew it. She sat there wanting me to desire her. There, I spent my 13th birthday playing my bass; creating riffs, learning how to read tablatures... I didn't care about the rest of the world. It was just me and my bass-- Rene.
Later, I collected books to help me play well enough to play in front of people. I wasn't at all good to begin with, don't get me wrong. I wasn't trying to sugar coat it either. It was a new relationship, I had to learn how to play her right. I didn't want to pay for lessons and give it up later. I regret even saying that now... but I used to bring her to school, I used to play her during class and all that. People mistaken her as just a regular guitar, but she was no guitar to me. She was her own instrument as she was her own being, too. A lot of people just gave me the "you're not so good, you suck" and that didn't discourage me. It gave me the opportunity to work on it some more and make it possible for me to one day play on the streets. Heck, I used to play outside for free as was. Just hanging out in the front or back yard, just playing whatever I had written. No one bothered us. It was just me and her.
With time that passed, I grew to realize that I had to focus more on school than anything else. Senior year was approaching and I had to really buckle down. The only time I used Rene was to do my final project for choir and that was it. I managed to pull through with her on my side. I made three songs at most during the time I've had her. Very mediocre, and I'm embarrassed of putting it up online. But it was the start of something special. She helped me build that courage to play in front of people, disregarding their own judgement. I graduated highschool and went straight into college. I hadn't had the time to play her or even pick her up anymore. She was collecting dust and she cried out to me when I walked into my room and said "I'm bored". I felt terrible for her, sitting there without anything to do. Years, I've thought about giving her up for the sake of looking to find someone to play her. I hadn't had the guts to do it until today.
Today was a difficult day for me, as I've stated before. I packed up my amp and bass in the back of my partner's car and went to the nearest pawn shop. I hesitated at the thought since last night. I didn't want to give her up, but I knew she would be making use in someone else's hands and being more mobile than hanging in the same spot as she's been since I've had her. I also needed the space in my room and I didn't want to just stuff her underneath my bed and forget about her entirely. I pulled her over my shoulder as I got out and stepped into the shop. It felt like 20 minutes of waiting until I was served. I know it was significantly less than that but it felt like forever. I had to bargain with the clerk and tell him that it was worth more than what they could offer. If I wanted anything more, I would have not even gotten money for it. I waited and waited for the guy to put all the information into the computer regarding Rene. She sat on the counter, just staring back. "Where is this place", "where are you going without me", "I want to go home" is what she would say if she didn't speak in bums. I felt tears well up in my eyes and I couldn't stay there any longer. I had to hurry up or at least occupy my mind with something else. I stared at my shoes for a while and then at the gun rack. Some guys were looking into buying a used gun. I don't blame them, they are pretty expensive. Then back to the clerk. He handed me the money and a receipt and I left, not giving Rene one last look. My vision was already foggy at that point. I sort of regret not giving her one last look. But I felt disappointment and sorrow from her. Although she was inanimate, I felt, in every way possible, that she was real. I cried about her in the car before we left to run some other errands. I didn't want to seem distant from my partner, just... a big portion of me has died for fiat money.
To end the day, I went outside to feed the cat and say goodnight to her, too. On the wall, I had found a small green frog. It didn't jump when I reached for it. Nor did it feel nervous when I held it for a while. They normally poop when they're scared. I always knew that green frogs symbolized forward movement, for they couldn't hop backwards. They represent good luck, happiness and success. This whole day, I've been put off because I had given up a huge piece of myself and my past. I didn't think of what was going to happen in my near future. I've got a job interview this coming week and I'm getting ready for it. I'm also planning to get another tattoo to represent my bass and how much she meant to me. Who knows? Maybe the frog came by just because it wanted to and I came by because I wanted to. It may have been fate, it could have been a coincidence. Or I just may be very superstitious. I believe that the frog was there to remind me that there is good fortune headed my way for being an adult about a particular situation. I'm glad for that though. We'll see how this week turns out, now that there's a shimmer of optimism.
I've cleaned out my room just to have less and less material things to be attached to when that time comes around. For when I plan to move out and move on. It won't be soon, but it's best to start soon than never. There are too many things I'm in love with. I am a strong believer when it comes to objects having meaning and a soul. That's sort of the reason why it's hard for me to buy something from an antique store unless if it's something of dire want or need. To be honest, I think I've hoarded most of my stuff because they've become treasures within time and through my life. In the process of cleaning, I've come to the conclusion that I had to get rid of some clothes that I never wear. It's harder when I think of getting rid of clothes that I've fell in love with through each phase I had; predominately, my goth phase. I haven't yet gotten to that point. I've also been contemplating the idea of selling my bass.
My bass resembled any other electric bass, but she was her own being. I've given her the name Rene. I used to play her to some songs by Zombie Girl and Rene was the singer of the band. I couldn't think of any better name. I remember, I was 10 when I wanted a bass so bad enough that I used to save lunch money for it and every week that passed by, I was scolded for starving myself just to have that dream of having a bass at hand. I needed to make that dream a reality. I used to save pictures of my dream bass on my PC.
On my 13th birthday, I remember coming home from school from a disappointment of a day. As always, I was a loner and kept to myself. No one noticed me and no one knew it was my birthday so that made it all the better. I never liked drawing attention to myself or sitting awkwardly as people sang me to me. I came into my room to put my bag away and Ipod away. I found a bass leaning between my bookshelf and bed. After three years of begging for a bass and saving ads from Guitar Center's website, there it was; she sat for however long she did in that spot and waited for me. It was unreal, it was a dream come true. Her black trimmings and white interior. Her steel strings shimmering in the dimmed room light. She was a classy bass and she knew it. She sat there wanting me to desire her. There, I spent my 13th birthday playing my bass; creating riffs, learning how to read tablatures... I didn't care about the rest of the world. It was just me and my bass-- Rene.
Later, I collected books to help me play well enough to play in front of people. I wasn't at all good to begin with, don't get me wrong. I wasn't trying to sugar coat it either. It was a new relationship, I had to learn how to play her right. I didn't want to pay for lessons and give it up later. I regret even saying that now... but I used to bring her to school, I used to play her during class and all that. People mistaken her as just a regular guitar, but she was no guitar to me. She was her own instrument as she was her own being, too. A lot of people just gave me the "you're not so good, you suck" and that didn't discourage me. It gave me the opportunity to work on it some more and make it possible for me to one day play on the streets. Heck, I used to play outside for free as was. Just hanging out in the front or back yard, just playing whatever I had written. No one bothered us. It was just me and her.
With time that passed, I grew to realize that I had to focus more on school than anything else. Senior year was approaching and I had to really buckle down. The only time I used Rene was to do my final project for choir and that was it. I managed to pull through with her on my side. I made three songs at most during the time I've had her. Very mediocre, and I'm embarrassed of putting it up online. But it was the start of something special. She helped me build that courage to play in front of people, disregarding their own judgement. I graduated highschool and went straight into college. I hadn't had the time to play her or even pick her up anymore. She was collecting dust and she cried out to me when I walked into my room and said "I'm bored". I felt terrible for her, sitting there without anything to do. Years, I've thought about giving her up for the sake of looking to find someone to play her. I hadn't had the guts to do it until today.
Today was a difficult day for me, as I've stated before. I packed up my amp and bass in the back of my partner's car and went to the nearest pawn shop. I hesitated at the thought since last night. I didn't want to give her up, but I knew she would be making use in someone else's hands and being more mobile than hanging in the same spot as she's been since I've had her. I also needed the space in my room and I didn't want to just stuff her underneath my bed and forget about her entirely. I pulled her over my shoulder as I got out and stepped into the shop. It felt like 20 minutes of waiting until I was served. I know it was significantly less than that but it felt like forever. I had to bargain with the clerk and tell him that it was worth more than what they could offer. If I wanted anything more, I would have not even gotten money for it. I waited and waited for the guy to put all the information into the computer regarding Rene. She sat on the counter, just staring back. "Where is this place", "where are you going without me", "I want to go home" is what she would say if she didn't speak in bums. I felt tears well up in my eyes and I couldn't stay there any longer. I had to hurry up or at least occupy my mind with something else. I stared at my shoes for a while and then at the gun rack. Some guys were looking into buying a used gun. I don't blame them, they are pretty expensive. Then back to the clerk. He handed me the money and a receipt and I left, not giving Rene one last look. My vision was already foggy at that point. I sort of regret not giving her one last look. But I felt disappointment and sorrow from her. Although she was inanimate, I felt, in every way possible, that she was real. I cried about her in the car before we left to run some other errands. I didn't want to seem distant from my partner, just... a big portion of me has died for fiat money.
To end the day, I went outside to feed the cat and say goodnight to her, too. On the wall, I had found a small green frog. It didn't jump when I reached for it. Nor did it feel nervous when I held it for a while. They normally poop when they're scared. I always knew that green frogs symbolized forward movement, for they couldn't hop backwards. They represent good luck, happiness and success. This whole day, I've been put off because I had given up a huge piece of myself and my past. I didn't think of what was going to happen in my near future. I've got a job interview this coming week and I'm getting ready for it. I'm also planning to get another tattoo to represent my bass and how much she meant to me. Who knows? Maybe the frog came by just because it wanted to and I came by because I wanted to. It may have been fate, it could have been a coincidence. Or I just may be very superstitious. I believe that the frog was there to remind me that there is good fortune headed my way for being an adult about a particular situation. I'm glad for that though. We'll see how this week turns out, now that there's a shimmer of optimism.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Facing Discrimination and How to Deal With It
Discrimination will be found at least some point in life; from someone close, an acquaintance or a complete stranger. The internet harbors some people who show their real selves through text. It's easier to put up a facade of what people want us to think we are in person than online. Unfortunately, I am the same way online as I am in person; determined with my opinions but reserved with others, very quiet but I like to let people know what I'm up to so they know that I'm alive. Most of the time that I've been online, I've been looking for friends. I believe it's harder to make friends now because of my busy schedule or distance. That's something I've grown to accept over the years; that I'm not bubbly and social-- that's just not me.
Tying this to discrimination and the internet: people. Not everyone is nice and not everyone is mean. I've learned that since I was little and I tried to enforce it throughout my life. I get online to this social network website which gives anyone an option to send a question anonymously or not. It is kind of lame but it's something to do when there's no one online to talk to. I have over 100 friends on that site and no one but two or three people talk to me. I guess that's why I still have that account, though. The questions can be anything, really, but lately horny kids think it's appropriate to ask for nudes from other people and complain about why they're still single (which is stupid, if you ask me). I've grown fond of using the block button with people I'm not close to and being able not to get spam friend requests when I first unfriend them. Anyway, I get online to this website and I see that I've got quite a few questions to answer. The questions were, "r u a boy or a girl caus if u still have a vag im dtf." and "oh nvm i thout u were a girl. u shuld kill urself caus im not a faggot" and it progressively got worse with, "if i met u i wuld beat ur face til u bleed an mak u suk my com to mak u straight again". I don't know who has been asking these questions because they've asked them anonymously but they made such an effort to spam me questions like those since last night, assuming he has this built up rage towards me because of the way I am. I've reported the admins about the incident, they took it seriously after I mentioned that I was transgendered. So, I won't be visiting that site for a long while. Sometimes it's best not to lash back because that's what they want, for you to get mad and respond.
Sometimes I wish it were that easy telling people I were transgendered. I started a new term in school and I have three new professors. My cisgendered female professor seemed really open and understanding so I tried to come out to her. She knows I get addressed as "Nick" but she doesn't really get that I prefer male pronouns; at least, that's what I think. I don't hold it against her but it's pretty obvious when I dress in male clothes if not, all the time. My art professor seems really energetic, strongly opinionated but very kept to himself. I'm still in the process of composing an email to let him know how I feel about him using male pronouns and "Nick" instead of my given name but I feel awkward because there are so many people in that class. I mean.. I've got until June to see all of those people together in one room so I might take that chance and tell my professor. My math professor seems to loathe his job but he makes the best of it because "it's what pays". There's no use in telling him anything because he's just there to do his job and go home. I don't really care about telling him either because he has 30 other faces to remember.
Discrimination can be defined as harassment or abuse upon people of a particular age, sex or ethnicity but to me, it's how I get offended. If I find it threatening or harassing, I'll do something about it than complain and cry over it. I guess that's just part of sticking up for yourself, knowing your limitations while also being assertive. Fighting isn't always the answer but building an army is (and I mean that in a very figurative way).
Tying this to discrimination and the internet: people. Not everyone is nice and not everyone is mean. I've learned that since I was little and I tried to enforce it throughout my life. I get online to this social network website which gives anyone an option to send a question anonymously or not. It is kind of lame but it's something to do when there's no one online to talk to. I have over 100 friends on that site and no one but two or three people talk to me. I guess that's why I still have that account, though. The questions can be anything, really, but lately horny kids think it's appropriate to ask for nudes from other people and complain about why they're still single (which is stupid, if you ask me). I've grown fond of using the block button with people I'm not close to and being able not to get spam friend requests when I first unfriend them. Anyway, I get online to this website and I see that I've got quite a few questions to answer. The questions were, "r u a boy or a girl caus if u still have a vag im dtf." and "oh nvm i thout u were a girl. u shuld kill urself caus im not a faggot" and it progressively got worse with, "if i met u i wuld beat ur face til u bleed an mak u suk my com to mak u straight again". I don't know who has been asking these questions because they've asked them anonymously but they made such an effort to spam me questions like those since last night, assuming he has this built up rage towards me because of the way I am. I've reported the admins about the incident, they took it seriously after I mentioned that I was transgendered. So, I won't be visiting that site for a long while. Sometimes it's best not to lash back because that's what they want, for you to get mad and respond.
Sometimes I wish it were that easy telling people I were transgendered. I started a new term in school and I have three new professors. My cisgendered female professor seemed really open and understanding so I tried to come out to her. She knows I get addressed as "Nick" but she doesn't really get that I prefer male pronouns; at least, that's what I think. I don't hold it against her but it's pretty obvious when I dress in male clothes if not, all the time. My art professor seems really energetic, strongly opinionated but very kept to himself. I'm still in the process of composing an email to let him know how I feel about him using male pronouns and "Nick" instead of my given name but I feel awkward because there are so many people in that class. I mean.. I've got until June to see all of those people together in one room so I might take that chance and tell my professor. My math professor seems to loathe his job but he makes the best of it because "it's what pays". There's no use in telling him anything because he's just there to do his job and go home. I don't really care about telling him either because he has 30 other faces to remember.
Discrimination can be defined as harassment or abuse upon people of a particular age, sex or ethnicity but to me, it's how I get offended. If I find it threatening or harassing, I'll do something about it than complain and cry over it. I guess that's just part of sticking up for yourself, knowing your limitations while also being assertive. Fighting isn't always the answer but building an army is (and I mean that in a very figurative way).
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Becoming Social Again
As I've stated back on my first few blog posts, I was always the odd one out. I was shy, I was timid and I was very insecure about myself. I've grown to understand that I shouldn't be ashamed of myself or what I've done because there's always someone out there who would be in worse positions than me. That I shouldn't pity them because of it, but know of their story and form myself as a person. There's no "it's a guy/girl thing". We all grow to realize what we need in life is something we can seek to understand, live to learn and experience what life has to offer. We have aspirations to be something, whether it's appearance or what we become. It all changes by one simple decision: the act of "doing".
Since I've graduated high school, I questioned myself "Where would I go", "What would I do". Of course those things are relevant to such a big transition from being dependent and unknowingly privileged with public education to facing the real world where everyone is out to wrong you. Somehow it directs to the fact that you can't function like a normal human being if you don't take part of the society we live in today. Jobs. They're not so hard to FIND, given the power of the intellectual web browsers, but when you're up to challenge everyone else with better resumes and a presentable husk it makes you feel like you're a little less than inadequate. Let's say you have the same amount of work experience as a mushroom and you're competing against a cheetah. "You're a mushroom. What can you do?" Well, I can grow in shallow and damp places... "How are your hunting skills?" I'm a mushroom.
I know I shouldn't be negative about it, but it's hard to show that you're impressive if you haven't got enough of an impression. So, I did what anyone with intuition would do and that was to volunteer. I now work at an animal shelter as volunteer work. I like it, I have nothing bad to say about it, but the fact that I only work once a week and somehow I feel like that's not enough. Makes me feel good though; working with dogs, pulling my weight around the community and showing that I can drag myself out of bed so early in the morning to let the dogs out(yes, I let the dogs out). I guess I'm pressured by all my other peers because they go on about how they have a job. I want to be able to pull my weight around in a way that I get paid for it while also not resorting to prostitution. I would definitely be able to perform tasks that anyone at my age should be able to do like cook or clean or organize. But when a business wants to put their best person forward, I'm sure they make the difficult decision to choose who they want. I can understand that for it's the sake of their reputation and not mine. At least, not too much of mine. But I want to be able to help myself and others. What can I do but to apply whenever I find an ad or set a date to dress nice and apply in person? Many people say so... "it is harder to apply for jobs than it is to maintain it". If that's true, then I'm just struggling like many other people who had to go through their efforts in finding their first job.
Along with volunteer work in my weekly routine, I've struggled with staying in school because it's just too much money for me to go every single term. I could apply for scholarships, and I have. I just haven't found any that are relevant to me. I can't necessarily apply for financial aid since I don't live in a particular lineage nor do I live off welfare. So, I'm stuck in this... I'm actually considering that I should take that step of "doing" and talk to someone who can help me stay in school. It's not right that I take every other term off.
Speaking of "doing", I've been forcing myself to diet. Nothing like "take a pill and you'll lose weight" or "sprinkle this on anything and it instantly becomes healthy" but considering my activity on an everyday basis and determining what I would need in my diet. I live a hermit-like life. Mainly sedentary. So, what's the point of me going by the food pyramid and saying "I have to eat 2,000 calories a day because the food gods say so" when I can eat just 500-1,000 day? Some people would deem it unhealthy but it's been a week and I've lost a total of 6lbs since I started while also eating less and considering what I've been eating. Just today I decided to have a burger and even so, I felt sick to my stomach. I can't eat things like that anymore. I can't even eat three meals a day. Yeah, I would snack on an apple, have a small serving of carbs in the morning and vegetables or meat-substitutes through the day but most of the time, I just eat when I'm hungry. Just lately, I haven't been too hungry and that's been somewhat weird to me. How I just suddenly grow accustomed to this diet. I've only been filling up on water, too.
I was told numerous times that I should be more social with people. To be honest, I'm not even sure how I made relations with most of my friendships/acquaintances. Weird to say but it's like I blacked out through the time that it began. Probably. It's a little difficult to say that I should be more social given that my daily basis consists of volunteer work/job search, lounging and doing household chores and an occasional visit. Sad to say, but I've been reading into some "How To" pages regarding social dynamics and being social in general. I guess I could strike a conversation with "hello" and "what do you like to do" but why make the extra effort if there's absolutely nothing in common between us two? I'm still trying to do some exercises in front of mirrors so I don't look or say anything awkward.
I have a feeling that things will turn for the best. I'm probably just being superficial for the year so far.
Since I've graduated high school, I questioned myself "Where would I go", "What would I do". Of course those things are relevant to such a big transition from being dependent and unknowingly privileged with public education to facing the real world where everyone is out to wrong you. Somehow it directs to the fact that you can't function like a normal human being if you don't take part of the society we live in today. Jobs. They're not so hard to FIND, given the power of the intellectual web browsers, but when you're up to challenge everyone else with better resumes and a presentable husk it makes you feel like you're a little less than inadequate. Let's say you have the same amount of work experience as a mushroom and you're competing against a cheetah. "You're a mushroom. What can you do?" Well, I can grow in shallow and damp places... "How are your hunting skills?" I'm a mushroom.
I know I shouldn't be negative about it, but it's hard to show that you're impressive if you haven't got enough of an impression. So, I did what anyone with intuition would do and that was to volunteer. I now work at an animal shelter as volunteer work. I like it, I have nothing bad to say about it, but the fact that I only work once a week and somehow I feel like that's not enough. Makes me feel good though; working with dogs, pulling my weight around the community and showing that I can drag myself out of bed so early in the morning to let the dogs out(yes, I let the dogs out). I guess I'm pressured by all my other peers because they go on about how they have a job. I want to be able to pull my weight around in a way that I get paid for it while also not resorting to prostitution. I would definitely be able to perform tasks that anyone at my age should be able to do like cook or clean or organize. But when a business wants to put their best person forward, I'm sure they make the difficult decision to choose who they want. I can understand that for it's the sake of their reputation and not mine. At least, not too much of mine. But I want to be able to help myself and others. What can I do but to apply whenever I find an ad or set a date to dress nice and apply in person? Many people say so... "it is harder to apply for jobs than it is to maintain it". If that's true, then I'm just struggling like many other people who had to go through their efforts in finding their first job.
Along with volunteer work in my weekly routine, I've struggled with staying in school because it's just too much money for me to go every single term. I could apply for scholarships, and I have. I just haven't found any that are relevant to me. I can't necessarily apply for financial aid since I don't live in a particular lineage nor do I live off welfare. So, I'm stuck in this... I'm actually considering that I should take that step of "doing" and talk to someone who can help me stay in school. It's not right that I take every other term off.
Speaking of "doing", I've been forcing myself to diet. Nothing like "take a pill and you'll lose weight" or "sprinkle this on anything and it instantly becomes healthy" but considering my activity on an everyday basis and determining what I would need in my diet. I live a hermit-like life. Mainly sedentary. So, what's the point of me going by the food pyramid and saying "I have to eat 2,000 calories a day because the food gods say so" when I can eat just 500-1,000 day? Some people would deem it unhealthy but it's been a week and I've lost a total of 6lbs since I started while also eating less and considering what I've been eating. Just today I decided to have a burger and even so, I felt sick to my stomach. I can't eat things like that anymore. I can't even eat three meals a day. Yeah, I would snack on an apple, have a small serving of carbs in the morning and vegetables or meat-substitutes through the day but most of the time, I just eat when I'm hungry. Just lately, I haven't been too hungry and that's been somewhat weird to me. How I just suddenly grow accustomed to this diet. I've only been filling up on water, too.
I was told numerous times that I should be more social with people. To be honest, I'm not even sure how I made relations with most of my friendships/acquaintances. Weird to say but it's like I blacked out through the time that it began. Probably. It's a little difficult to say that I should be more social given that my daily basis consists of volunteer work/job search, lounging and doing household chores and an occasional visit. Sad to say, but I've been reading into some "How To" pages regarding social dynamics and being social in general. I guess I could strike a conversation with "hello" and "what do you like to do" but why make the extra effort if there's absolutely nothing in common between us two? I'm still trying to do some exercises in front of mirrors so I don't look or say anything awkward.
I have a feeling that things will turn for the best. I'm probably just being superficial for the year so far.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Impasse
Lately, I haven't been able to do the things I've wanted to do in a long while due to the people in my household. I've also reached a point in my transition where people suspect that I've been influenced in a behavioral way with how I dress and speak to my partner. I couldn't let it affect me anymore. I thought the best solution I had was just to stop doing what I'm doing with the transition. It's too much of a serious thing for me to take on with all of these other complications in my life. For one, I've started volunteer work. That's all nice and dandy, I have no problem doing it. But to me, it feels like I could be doing something better with my life than volunteering but that's all I can do right now.
Job searching isn't going too well and I'm just trying my hardest to stand out to the place I work at just so I could get a job somewhere there. The only thing that is really pressuring me is the fact that my parents expect me to just go out there and find a job. Like it's the '60s and all I really have to do is go in, talk about myself and get hired then and there. It's not like that anymore and I've had it. But it's not only that; it's the way they decide not to help me anymore like suggest places or direct me to a website. They don't do that. Just today, I went to the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal (since it's friday and I gotta have my bowl of cereal). My dad came in and saw me eating. He said, "What are you doing?" I didn't know what he was talking about so I just responded with the obvious, "I'm eating.". Then he retorted with, "You didn't pay for it. You don't pay for anything." I nearly cried out of anger but I just dumped the bowl in the sink and passed him with "I won't eat; I don't expect anything for my birthday." I do believe that he wouldn't do anything for my birthday, which is coming by less than a month. Happy 19th birthday to me... I went back to my room and tried to apply for jobs. Come to the same issue as I had many times before: "I need a degree for this job", "I need a license to do this", "My resume isn't at all impressive" so yes, I did a good share of crying today. The only person who wants to help me is my partner. I just feel terrible when she feels like she has to be the parent when my parents aren't helping me out... I want to prove that I can do something and feel dedicated about it. I know now what I want to major in and what I want to be for a long while but I need my parents' support too. I wish there wasn't any sort of conflicting process to get where I need to be. Life shouldn't be this hard. I blame the puritans for creating college and making life more complicated than it should be. And this is just the start! I don't envy the people who do have jobs or beg them for a placement. I just get frustrated when they say terrible things about their employer or whine about how they want to quit. If they really want to quit, I'd want them to suggest me to fill their position. I wish that was possible.
Another thing that happens to be pressuring me a little is the fact that my partner wants to have surgery this year. I'm happy for her and I will always support her. I'm just a little worried. She's deserving of this and I'd hate for her to not get the support she needs to get it done. I don't mind canceling certain events and all to get her the things she needs. Sacrifice is something that comes with every relationship. It's one of the few things I can do. And I'm proud to say that I can give up something I really want to do just to do what is best.
There may be a little glimpse of light someplace. It's difficult to see the light when you're used to living in a cave. But when there's downs, there must be ups and that's something I need to remember. I just need to take an aspirin and life as hard as I can to the groin; enduring the hard comings and making the best out of another.
Job searching isn't going too well and I'm just trying my hardest to stand out to the place I work at just so I could get a job somewhere there. The only thing that is really pressuring me is the fact that my parents expect me to just go out there and find a job. Like it's the '60s and all I really have to do is go in, talk about myself and get hired then and there. It's not like that anymore and I've had it. But it's not only that; it's the way they decide not to help me anymore like suggest places or direct me to a website. They don't do that. Just today, I went to the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal (since it's friday and I gotta have my bowl of cereal). My dad came in and saw me eating. He said, "What are you doing?" I didn't know what he was talking about so I just responded with the obvious, "I'm eating.". Then he retorted with, "You didn't pay for it. You don't pay for anything." I nearly cried out of anger but I just dumped the bowl in the sink and passed him with "I won't eat; I don't expect anything for my birthday." I do believe that he wouldn't do anything for my birthday, which is coming by less than a month. Happy 19th birthday to me... I went back to my room and tried to apply for jobs. Come to the same issue as I had many times before: "I need a degree for this job", "I need a license to do this", "My resume isn't at all impressive" so yes, I did a good share of crying today. The only person who wants to help me is my partner. I just feel terrible when she feels like she has to be the parent when my parents aren't helping me out... I want to prove that I can do something and feel dedicated about it. I know now what I want to major in and what I want to be for a long while but I need my parents' support too. I wish there wasn't any sort of conflicting process to get where I need to be. Life shouldn't be this hard. I blame the puritans for creating college and making life more complicated than it should be. And this is just the start! I don't envy the people who do have jobs or beg them for a placement. I just get frustrated when they say terrible things about their employer or whine about how they want to quit. If they really want to quit, I'd want them to suggest me to fill their position. I wish that was possible.
Another thing that happens to be pressuring me a little is the fact that my partner wants to have surgery this year. I'm happy for her and I will always support her. I'm just a little worried. She's deserving of this and I'd hate for her to not get the support she needs to get it done. I don't mind canceling certain events and all to get her the things she needs. Sacrifice is something that comes with every relationship. It's one of the few things I can do. And I'm proud to say that I can give up something I really want to do just to do what is best.
There may be a little glimpse of light someplace. It's difficult to see the light when you're used to living in a cave. But when there's downs, there must be ups and that's something I need to remember. I just need to take an aspirin and life as hard as I can to the groin; enduring the hard comings and making the best out of another.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Things I've Learned While "Being Out"
Since I've been out, I've been battling my own identity. I didn't realize how difficult it'd be in a social situation. And these were things that came within time or when I've come to realize how hard it'd be.
First few weeks I've been out, people still teated me like a woman on the internet. Like "Send me nudes" and "You wanna smoke me out?" but keep in mind that these were people with some serious mental problems because when I turned them down (which was all the time) they killed themselves in the end. I felt no remorse towards it; I just felt that I couldn't make too many friends. Which was exactly what was happening. Lost a few friends when I came out. I made good ones out of the ones I already had. It was okay but I didn't have too much support.
I hadn't started hormones, but I've been working on my attire for the time being while I think about these things. But during the time, I've became good friends with another one like me. He's excited about hormones while I've only contemplated so... That's sorta what got me thinking that they might not be right for me due to my health conditions. I don't think they'd mean much to me if that was what it may contribute to. We talk and that's good. I'm getting some support on the internet, too.
What I've learned when being out? The way I dress, the way I present myself as well as define, I noticed how people started getting rude to me. They don't leave doors open for me, they don't hold small conversations, they don't even look at me. I thought it may be because I look the way I do and they don't know nor do they want to understand what my situation is. I don't get the attention. But then again, I really didn't get any attention to begin with. Sometimes I sit alone for long periods of time, drawing and doing my own thing while I'm out with my parents. Not even once does anyone bug me to get to know what I'm doing or anything so... I mean, I don't like people but I feel like I'm not even out having a good time when I get the same sort of temperament like I do at home. People aren't friendly to guys... and that's just some elaborate social mechanic.
I went to a night club with my partner and a few friends a while back. I hadn't told her anything that night because well... we both had a bad night. I accidentally bumped into some girl that was flailing her arms around. I said "sorry" but she called me "a fucking perv". I felt bad, I wanted to cry so I just sat out. It's also been hard for me to exercise because I get chest pains when I do. So, that may have contributed to it as well. I wasted money for a night of fun for my night to turn to crap and even crappier. I couldn't let my partner know that I had problems... I had to be the rock and the foundation for her that night. I can't let my emotions get to me when I have to be strong for someone else that meant every ounce of importance.
In other news, I had an interview yesterday at an animal shelter for volunteer work. Yeah, I got the work and that's great and today I'm doing some training before I start on the 17th. But the problem there is that I'm addressed as "Elly" and not "Nick". My interviewer (superior) happened to be an older lady and I didn't want her to think anything low of me because we both grew up in different times with different morals, of course. She asked me, "What would you like to be called?" and "Elly" just tumbled out of my mouth. I guess that's something I have to keep strong about in the inside. For coming out to a superior/supervisor/boss is not possible or professional. As far as I learned when trying to do interviews and all that, that's something to keep private. I suppose it goes along with the whole "Don't ask, don't tell" thing.
I dunno. I just feel like people like to show their true shallow selves when it's a man but when it's a woman, they're the nicest beings on the planet. As bigoted as it sounds, that's just something that I've experienced.
First few weeks I've been out, people still teated me like a woman on the internet. Like "Send me nudes" and "You wanna smoke me out?" but keep in mind that these were people with some serious mental problems because when I turned them down (which was all the time) they killed themselves in the end. I felt no remorse towards it; I just felt that I couldn't make too many friends. Which was exactly what was happening. Lost a few friends when I came out. I made good ones out of the ones I already had. It was okay but I didn't have too much support.
What I've learned when being out? The way I dress, the way I present myself as well as define, I noticed how people started getting rude to me. They don't leave doors open for me, they don't hold small conversations, they don't even look at me. I thought it may be because I look the way I do and they don't know nor do they want to understand what my situation is. I don't get the attention. But then again, I really didn't get any attention to begin with. Sometimes I sit alone for long periods of time, drawing and doing my own thing while I'm out with my parents. Not even once does anyone bug me to get to know what I'm doing or anything so... I mean, I don't like people but I feel like I'm not even out having a good time when I get the same sort of temperament like I do at home. People aren't friendly to guys... and that's just some elaborate social mechanic.
I went to a night club with my partner and a few friends a while back. I hadn't told her anything that night because well... we both had a bad night. I accidentally bumped into some girl that was flailing her arms around. I said "sorry" but she called me "a fucking perv". I felt bad, I wanted to cry so I just sat out. It's also been hard for me to exercise because I get chest pains when I do. So, that may have contributed to it as well. I wasted money for a night of fun for my night to turn to crap and even crappier. I couldn't let my partner know that I had problems... I had to be the rock and the foundation for her that night. I can't let my emotions get to me when I have to be strong for someone else that meant every ounce of importance.
In other news, I had an interview yesterday at an animal shelter for volunteer work. Yeah, I got the work and that's great and today I'm doing some training before I start on the 17th. But the problem there is that I'm addressed as "Elly" and not "Nick". My interviewer (superior) happened to be an older lady and I didn't want her to think anything low of me because we both grew up in different times with different morals, of course. She asked me, "What would you like to be called?" and "Elly" just tumbled out of my mouth. I guess that's something I have to keep strong about in the inside. For coming out to a superior/supervisor/boss is not possible or professional. As far as I learned when trying to do interviews and all that, that's something to keep private. I suppose it goes along with the whole "Don't ask, don't tell" thing.
I dunno. I just feel like people like to show their true shallow selves when it's a man but when it's a woman, they're the nicest beings on the planet. As bigoted as it sounds, that's just something that I've experienced.
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